The other night I laid in bed for hours, literally hours, tossing and turning and thinking. I had had a little, pathetic attempt at a prayerful moment with G-d before I went to bed and tried to turn the lights out and try to listen to G-d. It was really weird, I just got really guilty thinking about how poorly I treat G-d and what He says… and at the same time how I claim to believe it all and live by it.. And how I tell G-d I’ll do, or not do, all this stuff. Then turn and do it. It really bothers me.. I just don’t know how to break out of the cycle, you know.

The next day I thought of these lyrics that, in detail, summaries what I was, and am, feeling.

i’ve got these promises … that are creeping through my head, words i’d never dare say out loud. my tongue bleeds crimson red … sliced open by the thorns of untruths that i’ve uttered before. and i’d like to be my friend, but own worst enemy again, resolutions that i break. and i’m headed for a fall, my own worst enemy of all, with every step back that i take.

and these promises i keep, in the hours before i sleep. don’t mean ‘nothing when i break them in the morning. and these promises i break, that are keeping me awake. nightmares never half as bad as this.

(“Promises” by Defiance Ohio)

I keep saying this, I know, and I really want to be sincere in it but I just wish I could be close to G-d. I wish I would feel so bad about sin that I would rather not do it. I want to pray and it not be one sided. I want to hear G-d. I don’t want to live this cyclical life of sin-guilt-sin-guilt.

I feel so shitty about it but don’t have the power to chanage.

I need Him