Cereal, soy milk, peanut butter, wheat bread, honey, green tea, orange juice.

bicycle, backpack, u-lock.

riverside, congress, 6th street.

anathallo boards, drudge report, craigslist.

talking with matt while he chain smokes.

repeat

I need to get some friends. a job. etc.

I can’t decide if it’s because I am apathetic or afraid or insecure but for some reason I’m having a trouble breaking out.

Here it is… 3:22 on sunday morning.

I’m rolling around in bed.

I’m scared. I’m scared to move. I’m stressing out.

I’m scared. I’m scared because I can’t experience G-d. I can’t hear Him. I can’t see Him. I can’t feel Him…

When I close my eyes and try to imagine Him He’s sitting in a chair far away… I can’t get to Him.

It’s freaking me out. Why is He out there? Why isn’t He holding me?

I’m moving to Austin next Friday

I must admit I’m pretty freaked out. I just don’t want to fail or screw people over or anything. I don’t know. It’s a lot of responsibility.

Fortunately Matt (my main roommate) is cool and he’s very helpful.

I know things will be ok… it’s just hard to grasp.

I’m just seeing how this is a huge part of my life. Moving out… it’s just hard to gasp.

Pray for me.

I pretty much hate politics and have given up.

libertarian ideals will never be in the majority and therefor will never rule this nation.

People want a large state to (cause them problems)+solve their problems+create more problems+blame for their problems etc etc etc.

I’m tired of all the politics of it. Especially online. It’s all anti-mccain, anti-palin. Now, I don’t neccesarily support either of them but I am sick of all the ridiculous irrelevant attacks on them. I don’t care what some waitress said Palin said. I don’t care that Palin’s daughter is pregnant. I don’t care that Mccain is old. I don’t care that he is rich. I don’t care that Obama… oh, never mind. I don’t hear anything negative about him.

I’m just sick of it all.

I saw This Will Destroy You last night.

They were amazing. Their equitment was giving them a lot of trouble so their set was cut short but they were amazing.

I just closed my eyes and let the music overwhelm me. Whenever I listen to post-rock, espeically life, I just get a sense of aw and I just think of how much more amazing G-d is and how that barely compares… It was an overwhelming feeling.

There’s been so many thoughts and ideas in my mind it’s crazy.

Most have stemmed from things I’ve been reading and hearing.

Lot’s of C. S. Lewis and such.

Anyways. I’ve been thinking alot of truth and reality and philosophy.

I might post sparadic quotes or exerpts so bare with me.

If the solar system was brought about by an accidental collision, then the appearance of organic life on this planet was also an accident, and the whole evolution of man was an accident too. If so, then all our present thoughts are mere accidents- the accidental by-products of the movement of atoms. And this holds for the thoughts of the materialists and astronomers as well as anyone else’s. But if their thoughts- i.e., of materialism and astronomy- are merely accidental by-products, why should we believe them to be true? I see no reason for believing that one accident should be able to give me a correct account of all the other accidents. It’s like expecting that the accidental shape taken by the splash when you upset a milk-jug should give you a correct account of how the jug was made and why it was upset.

-Lewis in God in the Dock

  1. G-d is simple, without composition of parts, such as body and soul, or matter and form.
  2. G-d is perfect, lacking nothing. That is, G-d is distinguished from other beings on account of G-d’s complete actuality.
  3. G-d is infinite. That is, G-d is not infinite in the ways that created beings are physically, intellectually, and emotionally limited. This infinity is to be distinguished from infinity of size and infinity of number.
  4. G-d is immutable, incapable of change on the levels of G-d’s essence and character.
  5. G-d is one, without diversification within G-d’s self. The unity of G-d is such that G-d’s essence is the same as G-d’s existence. In Aquinas’s words, “in itself the proposition ‘G-d exists’ is necessarily true, for in it subject and predicate are the same.”

-Thomas Aquinas

I have the biggest thought and I can hardly even realize what I’m thinking…

I need draw a picture or something. People say it’s too big of a stretch to believe in G-d… but it answers EVERY question. EVERY question. If christianity is an elaborate hoax they answered the questions of life and explained the existence of things and human nature better than reality itself.

Not believing in G-d is a stretch in that it leaves every question unanswered and doesn’t account for so much. You have no answers to the universal questions in life and therefor cannot answer the particulars leaving life void and meaningless which goes against every inkling of human nature! If everything is random there’s no right and wrong. there is nothing we can stand on to base society on. if there is no god or laws there is no explanation for sin. it is just how we are. because everything is random and nothing makes sense.

dsa;ofklsdjf;lkwe my head is going to explode.

‘Thallo Camp was amazing.

It was positive and refreshing. This were kind of going downhill for me (with moving and such) so that was a really good experience. I love all those people.

Now that I’m home I’ve got everything in front of me again. By everything I mean the pressing questions:

Should I move? Should I stay? Where to move? Where to work? What to do?!?!?

I don’t know. Austin kind of fell through, mostly just with the housing is situation. But that lead me to think maybe Austin wasn’t where I was supposed to go. Should I stay in OKC? If I do that where will I work and would I move out? That option scares me the most, I think because I don’t know if I’d ever leave.

Another option is Denver. Josh keeps telling me I should move to Denver. It really is tempting. Everything I hear about it sounds awesome. But I don’t know, I don’t want to follow Jesse around and if he doesn’t want me to I won’t go. I don’t want to upset him by moving in with Josh or getting up there before he does. So I don’t know about that option…

Other than those things I don’t know what else to do… It’s all kind of stressfull.

I thought maybe if I read some of the Bible it’d give me some insight. Maybe if I read 1 Timothy there would be a verse that says to move to Denver or Austin or get a job at a bakery or something direct like that.

But we all know how G-d seems to do things. I read some of Proverbs. It’s a very interesting book, I’m not sure if I like it to be honest. Maybe I like it but I don’t understand it. The thing about Proverbs is it talks about the pursuit and rewards of wisdom but it doesn’t really tell you… it doesn’t really tell you how to be wise. maybe just not directly. Maybe just not specifically to my situation.

But I did read something that gave me a little peace.

My son, give attention to my words; incline your ear to my sayings. Do not let them depart from your sight; keep them in the midst of your heart. For they are life to those who find them and health to all their body.

That verse makes me think…

What if we really sought after wisdom and truth. What if we really believed what we say we believe. What if we really had faith in G-d. I’m not talking about a blind questionless faith but a faith that says “G-d has come through before, I believe He’ll do it again”.

What if our pursuit of truth and wisdom and our love of G-d and truth really was literally health to all our body? I think it’s certianly possible…

The other night I laid in bed for hours, literally hours, tossing and turning and thinking. I had had a little, pathetic attempt at a prayerful moment with G-d before I went to bed and tried to turn the lights out and try to listen to G-d. It was really weird, I just got really guilty thinking about how poorly I treat G-d and what He says… and at the same time how I claim to believe it all and live by it.. And how I tell G-d I’ll do, or not do, all this stuff. Then turn and do it. It really bothers me.. I just don’t know how to break out of the cycle, you know.

The next day I thought of these lyrics that, in detail, summaries what I was, and am, feeling.

i’ve got these promises … that are creeping through my head, words i’d never dare say out loud. my tongue bleeds crimson red … sliced open by the thorns of untruths that i’ve uttered before. and i’d like to be my friend, but own worst enemy again, resolutions that i break. and i’m headed for a fall, my own worst enemy of all, with every step back that i take.

and these promises i keep, in the hours before i sleep. don’t mean ‘nothing when i break them in the morning. and these promises i break, that are keeping me awake. nightmares never half as bad as this.

(“Promises” by Defiance Ohio)

I keep saying this, I know, and I really want to be sincere in it but I just wish I could be close to G-d. I wish I would feel so bad about sin that I would rather not do it. I want to pray and it not be one sided. I want to hear G-d. I don’t want to live this cyclical life of sin-guilt-sin-guilt.

I feel so shitty about it but don’t have the power to chanage.

I need Him

Yeah, I’ve neglected this, I’m sorry.

Things have been crazy for some reason, lately.

I quit my job so I haven’t been up to much.

My best friend, Marc, came and visted from Washington this weekend. That was a lot of fun, I really miss him.

I’m hoping to move to Austin on the 25th, if I can get this apartment. If not… I’m not really sure.

I’m kind of scared about it all because it’s so close… but I don’t know, I’m trying to keep it simple and real.

I think life can be so intimidating. I’m not even sure why… I think for me it’s fear of failure and fear of screwing over other people, like my parents or brothers/sisters and my friends.

A lot of people are moving away. It was weird because tonight we went and got some coffee with a bunch of people who are moving and it was kind of depressing… just thinking I probably wont see those people again, or for a long time at least. My brother is moving to denver next month (!!!), Colin is moving to Norman with Sam. I’m moving to Austin. Marc lives in Washington. I don’t want to lose these people. I know it’s inevitable… I just don’t want to accept that for my life and our relationships…  It’s all very frightening.

I feel bad for Stephanie because she’s pretty much the only one staying in OKC… and that’s hard on her because we’re the people who encourage her and stick with her… I will miss her.

Jesse, Colin, and I started planning our bike trek from Chicago to L.A. via the historic Route 66. It’s something like 2,500 miles and we’re wanting to do it in about a month. It’s all very exciting… It gives me something to look forward to. I think I need something like that in my life.

I really need to get right with G-d. I know, compared to a lot of other people, I’m a saint… but it’s not so. I have been avoiding doing stuff for my own wellbeing. I think I blogged about this a while back but it’s still something I need to work on. I have been doing what I do because of self preservation and because I’m selfish. not out of a deep love for the Father G-d in heaven. I have been listening sermons from Mars Hill Church. It’s encouraging for me because the pastor, Mark, doesn’t mind telling you to get your act together and grow up. I need something like that. I need to read my bible and get over myself and love. I need to feel G-d’s love for me and I need to give it up for Him. I need to change myself, I need to let Him change me. I feel like I’ve been living in this… state of my life where I can’t seem to get things moving… I need some sort of catalyst to push me. I need something that makes me really choose.

As silly as it sounds I want to be presented with something that’s like “Either you go here and do what you want or you go here and do what G-d wants you to do.” I want to be presented with a very clear choice. Maybe, I am… maybe I’m belittling the decisions I make now… maybe I’m belittling them because I don’t want to have to think about it.

I don’t know. Please pray for me. Pray that things start rolling.

I’ll post a bunch of pictures from this weekend sometime soon.

I promise.

I’ve been riding my bike about 20 miles a day.

I’ve been thinking about quitting my job (again).

I’ve been feeling and urge to take a chance on something. Push myself. Scare myself. 

I really want to bike across america. 

I want to live without material boundries.

I want to garden.

I want to live without having to worry about money and all that stuff.

I want to write more.

I want to move out.

I want to be with friends more.

I want to have a closer relationship with G-d. I know that’s kind of based on if I really want it and if I really want to sacrifice for it… I suppose time will tell. As for now, prayer and encouragement is highly appreciated.

that’s an update…